Trying Again After a Miscarriage

Going through a miscarriage, multiple miscarriages, and fertility issues is exhausting. It breaks you down, but what keeps you going is the picture of your future child in your head. The wanting and yearning for a healthy pregnancy can hold complex emotions. Many people may give (horrible) advice on how to proceed.

Here, at Tired Mama Confessions, I’d like to be here for you through the ups and downs of miscarriage, trying again, pregnancy, and all the woes of motherhood. I won’t offer insensitive advice you may hear from others in your life, although, I will mention how to handle it when you inevitably receive that advice. You can read about my miscarriage at eleven weeks here. After my miscarriage, we struggled to conceive for the next seven to eight months and then finally were blessed with our rainbow baby. Everyone’s story is different and every road leads to different destinations. Here, we can celebrate the journey together and acknowledge its difficulty.

Processing Your Miscarriage

Let me begin by stating that healing is not linear. You cannot force yourself to heal on a specific timeline. In this post, I will cover various “steps” to healing for the sake of a cohesive article. However, in reality, healing doesn’t exactly go in steps. You can’t just check one thing off, then the next, and then, poof, you’re all better and have a healthy pregnancy and settled mind. These different processes will assist in your healing journey, but you may require different amounts of time in each and additional resources. Please be kind and gentle with yourself and your partner.

Talk to your doctor

First, and foremost, talk to your doctor after a miscarriage. Your doctor can fill you in to community resources, mental and physical healing, referrals to specialists if needed, and much more. Whether you attend a physical appointment, telehealth, require medical interventions, or call the nurse line; they can provide many helpful services and advice on how to proceed.

Remember that doctors have many years of practice prior to becoming a doctor and hold a lot of knowledge. They offer sound advice that is backed by studies and actual clinical research. If you have questions, don’t be afraid to ask. If you go to your appointment and have additional questions, call the nurse line or access your healthcare portal to ask. No question is silly and your provider has likely heard most of them many times before.

Find Support

Sit down and brainstorm what support you need and how it can be added to your life. Would you benefit from one on one counseling, a virtual or physical support group, an online platform, or finding your own answers through books? Then, how can you add these aspects to your life?

In my post, Finding Community: Support Groups and Online Spaces for Healing, I cover many different community groups for healing, how to find them, and how to create your own. Finding support is crucial to your healing journey. You do not have to do this alone.

Healthy Coping Mechanisms

What are healthy coping mechanisms? How do you know they are helping and not hurting your healing journey? Maybe you already have established some healthy or unhealthy ways to cope with your already complex life.

Some examples of healthy coping are exercise, deep breathing, and being creative. Some examples of unhealthy coping are drinking to numb your mind, overdoing exercise, and working to excess aka being a workaholic to ignore your internal feelings. How do you know these are healthy or unhealthy? Listen to your body and mind. Drinking alcohol to excess for example, likely will make you feel worse. Ignoring your feelings is a telltale sign that this isn’t a healthy coping mechanism.

Find time in your day to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms. Search YouTube for Yoga or other soothing exercises, go for a walk or run, or do whatever exercise brings you joy. Practice deep breathing in times of stress and enjoy the long term benefits. Deep breathing is a companion of meditation, which is another example of a healthy coping mechanism. Being creative is very broad, so follow your heart on this one. You can write, draw, create, cook, the list is really endless.

Take note of how you are feeling after completing an activity. Has it helped your mindset or are you still feeling down? Are you feeling worse? Maybe this activity is unhealthy or simply not the right activity for you. You can draw your own conclusions as needed and adjust appropriately.

Take the Time You Need

This is a reiteration of the beginning of this section, but again, healing is not linear. Don’t try to heal on a timeline and don’t think that you will be healed once you achieve a healthy pregnancy. You want that healthy pregnancy and child more than anything, but take the time to heal yourself in the process. I’m not saying you have to wait until you’re healed, but don’t ignore your emotions, work through them instead. Take the time to heal your body and mind because you deserve to feel closure and peace.

Physically, When Can We Try Again?

The internet is full of advice, some good and some bad. The best option is to talk to your doctor. They know or can read your full medical history and tell you your best plan of action.

From my personal experience; my doctor told me that I would bleed like I’m having a light period for a week or two. Then, my real period should arrive 3-5 weeks after that. If my first period after is normal for me flow wise, then it’s safe to try again after that first period. However, if it’s light or heavier than usual, wait another cycle to be safe. He explained this as there may be retained tissue and your bleeding will show that either way if so, so you want to pay attention and make sure it’s all out before trying.

Again, this was my personal experience, and in reality, we waited two cycles to try again just to be safe. Honestly the advice was rather confusing – what is considered heavy or light when you already have inconsistent flows? I wasn’t sure, so we decided to wait. Your doctor can provide proper advice based on your medical history.

Your Partner

Most of the onus falls on the mother, however, your partner also suffered a heartbreaking loss, though they were spared the physical symptoms. It is important to talk with them prior to trying again. They may be hesitant, but this is an important conversation to have. Personally, my husband had no clue what different miscarriages were possible or other complications of pregnancy. We talked about our fears, feelings, and coping.

Discuss your fears with your partner. You’ve gone through so much together. Discuss any persistent fears with your medical provider. They can speak on your specific situation. Know that there are statistics that can be found online pertaining to recurrent miscarriages. I won’t share those statistics here, because some may find them optimistic and some may find them prohibiting. If you’d like more information on statistics, visit the Mayo Clinic website to review additional educational articles.

Talk out your feelings. Perhaps you think you know how you should feel and feel guilty for feeling differently. Sadness, guilt, frustration, anger, jealousy, anxiety, the list goes on, but you get the point – any and all emotions during this time are not only complex, but also completely normal. Let your partner know how you feel and why. Lean on your partner for support and also be there to support them. They are the closest ones to your current situation.

Further on the concept of feelings, I’m fully aware that some men may think it is your fault that you had a miscarriage. Please do not ever believe this to be true. According to the Mayo Clinic, miscarriages most commonly occur due to chromosomal abnormalities in the embryo, thus, making it neither partners fault. If your partner needs further convincing as to fault, consider counseling.

How are you coping? How is your partner coping? Creating healthy coping habits together. Practice self care and regularly check in with each other to adjust your needs. If you or your partner have established unhealthy coping mechanisms, now is the time to discuss why and how to curb these habits.

Unsolicited Advice on Trying to Conceive

The world is full of unsolicited advice. You may hear it from your family, friends, and online. Some advice may be helpful and some not. Of course you can decide what to keep and what to leave. Here, I will share some unhelpful things I was told by family and friends that you may hear as well and how to respond and set boundaries. This advice is as it pertains to trying again after a miscarriage.

The advice

Why don’t you just stop trying for a baby and then you’ll get pregnant?

This is problematic because pregnancy is likely on your mind. Maybe you had trouble conceiving the first time only to get heartbreaking news. There is nothing concrete saying that you cannot plan your way to pregnancy. Actually, tracking your ovulation can help you conceive.

Just get drunk/relax/stop thinking about trying and you’ll get pregnant.

The number of times I heard this from people is unreal. I also live in a state where drinking alcohol is normalized. I personally have not drank alcohol in almost ten years due to personal preferences. This piece of advice is problematic because it creates unhealthy habits of drinking and pushing down your thoughts and emotions.

XYZ person got pregnant their first try, look at how cute their family is.

This is not only unhelpful but also hurtful. Pregnancy and a healthy child is something you want so badly. Comparing yourself to others isn’t healthy, especially when it comes to health and family – things you really can’t control.

After a miscarriage you are more fertile so you shouldn’t have a problem trying again.

This advice is what stung the most after my miscarriage and then the subsequent seven to eight months of trying to conceive. “Shouldn’t have a problem” indicates that there’s something wrong with you, it’s also comparative and untrue.

How to Respond and Set Boundaries

Writing an entire article about setting boundaries would be simple. However, in reality, the actual setting of boundaries deems itself complex. How do you set boundaries and then stick to them? First think about why you are setting the boundary and what it will accomplish.

Perhaps you are setting a boundary from a person who continues to offer unhealthy advice. Be direct with them and explain why this advice is unhealthy and hurtful. For example, they continue to tell you “just get drunk and you’ll conceive.” You can explain that drinking isn’t cohesive to a healthy pregnancy and there is no solid evidence about getting drunk to conceive. Then you could say this isn’t helping and to stop giving this advice.

Your boundary may be well received or not, but it is your boundary. Don’t waiver from it just for the comfort of others. Be clear and concise in what you want and don’t want to hear. Getting angry and using hurtful words in response isn’t necessary, respond from a place of kindness. They likely aren’t giving this advice to hurt you, so savor your relationship. Gently but directly explain your point of view.

Final Thoughts

Trying again after a miscarriage is a difficult decision. Emotions, fears, and coping must be considered from both partners. Strengthen your bond with your partner by discussing these topics together and checking in regularly. Physically, you should always check with your doctor to ensure trying again is safe for your health. Finally, you may receive some less than helpful advice and will need to set clear boundaries with the people you love. Come from a place a kindness and be direct for the best outcomes.

Have you begun your journey to trying to conceive after a miscarriage? What have you used to cope? What advice have you received and how did you set boundaries?