After a miscarriage you may feel many complex emotions. Then, suddenly you see a post or hear from an old friend – they are expecting their own bundle of joy. You want to be happy for them, but you’re also sad. Maybe you ask yourself questions like, “why does she get a healthy pregnancy and I don’t?”
It’s ok to feel your feelings and also be supportive of others in this time. Perhaps your friend or acquaintance has no clue what you just went through and is puzzled at the way you may respond when they share the news with you. Depending on your comfort and relationship, you can share varying degrees of information as you try your best to protect your heart and support your friend. This post will share ways to do both.
Protect Your Heart
You have to put yourself first sometimes. Maybe you just went through a miscarriage or it was months ago, you may be at different stages of grieving. First and foremost, establish sound coping mechanisms if you haven’t already. What are some examples of healthy coping?
Mindful Health Solutions offers over ten helpful and healthy coping mechanisms to assist you on your journey to healing. Among the list is exercise, deep breathing, being creative, and setting boundaries. With your mental health in mind, setting boundaries during this time is extremely important. Did you get invited to the baby shower and you don’t feel ready for that step yet? SAY NO. Set clear boundaries, and know that “no” is a full sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. If you want to explain, feel free, but don’t feel obligated. Your mental health is your top priority, not your friend’s feelings.
After you set a boundary, it may bring up negative emotions or it may be freeing. I found a mixture of both during my personal boundary setting endeavors. Find a way to then cope and work through these emotions. Citing the list above, try exercise, deep breathing, or being creative.
Exercise can be a calming yoga video from YouTube. Yoga with Adriene is a favorite of mine. She offers both short and long videos, morning routines, and comprehensive steps for beginners. Exercise doesn’t have to be super structured. Try going for a walk or dancing to your favorite music. Another favorite structured type exercise I love is Active by Pop Sugar Fitness. It is a free app that you can chose different categories of exercise and then sort by experience level and time.
After completing exercise, try a slow down with deep breathing. There are many different techniques of deep breathing. Deep breathing in the moment can also be helpful. However, when you are feeling complex emotions it can be difficult to remember these techniques. A simple sticker on your water bottle or phone could be just the reminder you need to take a beat and breathe.
If exercise and deep breathing are really your jam or you are looking for an additional coping mechanism, try being creative. This can be so many different things to many different people. For me, it’s this blog and creating graphics to go along with it. It can be doing art, writing (fiction or nonfiction), making home decor, crafting, or anything else that gets your creative juices flowing. Being creative can be extremely therapeutic. Let out your feelings into your work of art, whatever it may be.
Maybe you tried all of these and you’re still not feeling any better, reach out for support. Find a support group or individual counseling. They may be able to offer coping mechanisms that better suit you as an individual or maybe talking it out is just what you are in need of.
Remember, your mental health needs to be at the forefront of your life and mind. Begin by setting clear boundaries and using healthy coping to work through your emotions. Take all the time you need to process and don’t ignore yourself just because a friend has some exciting to her life news. The next section contains information on how to support your friend after you take your emotions and wellbeing into consideration.
Support Your Friend
Wow! Your friend is pregnant, you feel so happy for her. She’s always wanted to be a mom. But so have you. Take a minute, either a literal minute or simply the time that you need, to respond. Then attempt to respond in a supportive way that resonates with you and your friendship. But how? What do you say when you have so many mixed feelings racing through your head?
Begin with compassion for your friendship. Say something such as, “wow! I am so happy for you, what a blessing.” Maybe your friend knows your situation and has been kind and told you in private, she has no idea, or you’ve seen a public post on social media. Each of these warrants different reactions.
If your friend knew your situation and kindly told you her news in private, this is probably a best case scenario. Not all friends will show compassion and think of your feelings during their big news. If your friend took the time to consider you, take the time to consider her, too. Be mindful of your response and also know that she may be expecting some big emotions too. Perhaps she feels sad for you but happy for her as well.
If your friend has no idea what you just walked through, proceed with grace. She is living her own life and most likely is not trying to hurt you with her own delightful news. You can choose to tell her what you’ve gone through or not, depending on your relationship. However, I wouldn’t share your story at the same time she shares her news. This could be viewed as hurtful and possibly even scare her if she is still in the early stages of pregnancy. Proceed with caution and come from a place of kindness.
If you’ve wandered upon a social media post, maybe she is just an acquaintance, but that pang of sadness still exists. Try snoozing her for a while to not see the posts or try a social media cleanse. Sometimes it’s better to not see the news and focus on healing your mind and body first and then go back when you are ready.
These are of course not every single situation that may arise. The best advice is to try to come from a place of kindness with your response, distance yourself if you are able, and heal yourself first. Remember to consider your mental health as top priority and show support the best you can.
Final Thoughts
Overall, there are two simple but also complex steps when you hear the news of another pregnancy announcement. Step one is always to protect your heart. Take care of your mental health by practicing healthy self care habits. Then, step two is to show your friend support. The amount of support you show may depend on your prior relationship with that person.
Have you had an experience with a friend announcing their pregnancy soon after your miscarriage? How did you respond? What do you did you or do you now do to partake in healthy self care habits?
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