10 of the Worst Phrases to Say After a Miscarriage

Experiencing a miscarriage is deeply personal and painful, and while most people mean well, their words can sometimes unintentionally cause harm. After my own miscarriage, I heard countless comments that, while intended to be supportive, left me feeling even more uncertain and full of self-doubt. To help others navigate these sensitive conversations, I’ve put together a list of things you should avoid saying to a friend or loved one who has experienced a miscarriage. While everyone processes grief differently, this is not the time for criticism or unsolicited advice—compassion and understanding are key.

On the contrary, another post to check out is How to Show Support After a Friend Has a Miscarriage. This post details what to do and how to help your friend or loved one through this extremely tumultuous time in their life. There is no making it all the way better, but you can help them heal. Below are some phrases that will do the opposite. Think before you speak and be wary of their feelings. Miscarriage can be very isolating and you want them to know you are there and you care enough to watch what you say.

What NOT to say and Why

“You can always try again”

Although true, this statement tends to feel as if you want to minimize their feelings. Try not to make assumptions. They may not be ready to try again for quite some time and that is ok. Grief does not have to have a timeframe and should not be rushed. To someone who has never experienced this, it may seem trivial to be so upset. However, this experience has so many complex emotions tied to it. It was more than a baby; it was expanding the family, a dream, and maybe even feels to them like they are at fault.

“At least it wasn’t a real baby or at least…”

Avoid any “at least” statements. Other people may have had it worse in your eyes, but this is again, minimizing their pain in the moment.

Women feel guilty enough during this time, there is no need to add to that guilt. According to Mayo Clinic, about 10% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriages. The most common cause of miscarriage? Chromosomal abnormalities. Definitely not the mom’s fault. Chances are, the mom would have done anything in her power to prevent this, but it was out of her control.

“It just wasn’t meant to be”

Do not ever say this, there is almost no circumstance that this would be appropriate. Think it to yourself if you have to make yourself feel better, but spare your friend. This indicates that they maybe weren’t meant to be a parent. The last thing they need is to be questioned during this very venerable time.

The saying “everything happens for a reason” works for some people. However, it is certainly not helpful in this moment in time. It may be true that some things happen for a reason. However, they do need to hear you tell them that they weren’t meant to be a parent. This statement only provides self doubt.

“It happens to a lot of people, it’s no big deal”

This is another statement that minimizes your friend’s pain. And it is a very big deal. This is a monumental moment in your friends life. They will never forget their baby lost. It’s ok to feel the big feelings, even if they make you uncomfortable. Miscarriage is fairly common, but the way that people experience it is unique. No two stories are the same.

Mourning takes time, sometimes a lifetime to cope with. The loss of a loved one and the associated grief is a huge undertaking.

“Now you know you can get pregnant”

That’s completely irrelevant. Also, many people suffer from infertility following a miscarriage. Nothing is guaranteed, so don’t assume it will be that easy for your friend. Perhaps this pregnancy took months to achieve and now they are feeling like they’ll have to go through that difficult journey again. Or maybe they don’t want to go through that journey again for possibly another loss.

Did you know that after one miscarriage, the risk of having another is 20%? After two miscarriage, it is 25%. After three or more it is 30-40%. This information is according to the Mayo Clinic. After considering these odds, maybe trying again seems too daunting at the moment.

“I’m always here for you”

I know this one seems weird to be on the list. Of course you want to be there for your friend. And don’t get it twisted, this is a great phrase to say. However, instead of offering a vague statement like this, tell them specifically how you will show up and be there for them, or better yet, show them.

Physically and emotionally drained, they are likely not up for doing chores or cooking. Offer to help around this house without judgment. Or bake them a hearty meal that they can make now or freeze. Grab their favorite takeout and watch a movie together. Just be there physically for them instead of using this blanket phrase and then disappearing or “giving them space.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have…”

Don’t even let this one cross your mind. If you say this to your friend, expect to lose that friend. A miscarriage is rarely the mom’s fault. Even if it seems like it is, it’s not your job to point that out. Moms feel so much guilt surrounding a miscarriage, they don’t need to feel like their friends are against them too.

As stated above, most miscarriages are a result of a chromosomal defect which is out of the hands of the mom. She would have given anything to save this baby whether it was a planned pregnancy or not. The immense guilt is already suffocating, please do not add to it.

“You’ll be fine in a few days”

Physically, maybe. Emotionally, definitely not. Your job is to help your friend through this, not tell them how to feel. They may take a very long time to recoup from this event. Grief is not linear and should not be rushed.

Help your friend through this by supporting them the best that you can. If you cannot think of the right words in the moment, offer a hug. Words will not fix this and although you may want to take the pain away, it’s not possible. Healing takes time and will not be instantaneous.

“It’s for the best”

Sounds like you’re saying your friend would be an unfit mother. She’s probably already questioning herself and has enough self doubt, please don’t add to that.

Not only will you hurt her feelings in an already fragile time, you will make her feel defensive. As if not only did she lose the baby, she now also has to defend her right to be a mother. Don’t pass judgment on a grieving mother.

“You didn’t even know your baby”

The moment you find out you’re pregnant, you feel a very intense connection. No, they didn’t know many details about their baby, but that only makes it hurt more. They had hopes and dreams, pondered names, and maybe even had an image of what their baby may have looked like in their head.

They didn’t know how this baby’s voice sounded or the color their hair may have been, but they knew the moment they found out, that they loved this baby. Instead of the ability to hug and say goodbye to the baby, the miscarriage was probably a surprise. All of the hopes and dreams for this little one’s life, vanished in an instant and replaced by deep pain.

Final Thoughts

Supporting a friend or loved one after a miscarriage can feel challenging, but your efforts truly matter. Focus on being present and compassionate, without questioning their feelings or minimizing their pain. Small gestures, like creating a thoughtful care basket or baking cookies, can go a long way in showing your support. Most importantly, choose your words carefully—what you say can deeply impact someone who is already navigating immense grief. Offering kindness and understanding is the best way to help during such a difficult time.

What are the best ways that you have shown a friend support in a time of need? I would love to hear your story. Comment below to share with the Tired Mama Confessions community or visit the contact page for more ways to find me.