When reminiscing about my miscarriage journey, I can still feel the pain deep inside. The “what ifs” are never ending, and hard for other people to understand. However, I’ve come up with some clever tactics to help talk about it. Talking can be therapeutic and clue others into your journey. Talking can also normalize the emotional pain associated with miscarriage that, in so many cases, is hidden. According to the Mayo Clinic, one in four recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is not uncommon, yet still not widely talked about.
Of course, you can be very selective in who you tell or you can tell everyone and anyone. In the beginning it may be difficult to talk about, so just take it easy and take care of yourself both mentally and emotionally. Decide how you want to proceed with details and who you tell. Also, talk to your partner. They have gone through the same emotional turmoil of losing a child as you have, even if they haven’t felt the loss physically like you have. They may be processing differently than you, but they are still processing.
1. The Details
The details are what always make me emotional when telling my personal story. As you share your story, you may feel like you are reliving it. Therefore, only share what you are comfortable sharing. As stated above, telling your story can also be therapeutic, so if you are comfortable sharing, then lean into that.
Work out what you feel comfortable sharing before talking to anyone. What parts of your story make you the most emotional? Do you feel comfortable being emotional in front of the person you are about to share this with? If so, you might be comfortable sharing all of the details. But if not, be more reserved. If you are considering talking about a your story at work, consider how you will feel if you become emotional. If time off is needed, you don’t owe work an explanation as to why you are requesting this time if you’re not comfortable sharing. Don’t let others bully information out of you.
2. Social Media
I can hear my parents in my mind saying, “always share bad news in person, not over the phone.” However, in this situation, you need to put your needs above anyone else’s feelings. Also, if you have friends and family far away, this advice may not be realistic.
If you feel more comfortable texting, calling, or emailing someone the news, then do it. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable and do not feel guilty for protecting yourself.
Want to share the news on Facebook or another social network? Then do it, but make sure you have a well thought out post. There are also some great graphics you can post along with your words that you can find for free on Canva. Although this time is about you, be cognizant that others may have gone through similar experiences and have not shared the news. Consider putting a trigger warning on your posts so if others decide to skip it, they know in advance.
Check with your partner’s comfort level when sharing online as well. They have gone through a loss, too. Their loss was not physical, but they are likely still feeling emotional.
3. Be Honest with your Needs
Now is the time to let others know what you need. As my grandma always said, “don’t be bashful .” Be upfront and honest with what you need. If you don’t tell people, they won’t know. Sometimes it is hard to pinpoint what exactly it is that you do need.
Are you thinking to yourself, “but what do I need?” Make a list of your needs. Nothing can make this better, but there are things that will help heal you both emotionally and physically. What are they? Consider journalling about this to really think critically what you need in this delicate time.
Perhaps what you need is some personal time off of work. Again, you do not owe anyone an explanation for your time off at work, but if you have a close relationship with your coworkers or boss, maybe you are considering and comfortable sharing why you need this time off. Do what is best for you, but really think about what that is. If you need extended time off or medical leave, talk to Human Resources. They can usually offer advice as to best take the time that you need to heal. Speak to your doctor about your physical and emotional needs as well to determine what is best for you.
4. Let Others Spread the Word
This is a great way people can help. Do you want to tell your extended family but don’t want to have the somewhat awkward conversation over and over again with different people? Have a close family member or friend do it. They will be less emotional about it and can shut down any questions for you.
A note here: people may feel the need to reach out to you or offer to help. If you don’t feel like talking, just be honest. If you have a particular way that they can help, then let them know. Be direct as possible with people. Be ready to shut down questions if you are not comfortable answering them. Consider saying some bathing like, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this right now, but I’d love to hear about your new job.” Steer the conversation away from yourself with a distraction, but also be direct.
On the contrary, if you do want to talk about it with someone and hash out all of the details, be direct about that, too. “I want to talk about this in detail with you, because I consider you a safe person, are you able to just listen to my story?” Would be a great way to start the conversation and gauge if the person is comfortable listening to your story.
5. Practice What to Say and Have the Answers
I wish someone would have told to me to do this. Also, you don’t have to tell everyone all at once. Take a breath, try to process, and then think up what you to want to say. When I say “have the answers,” I don’t mean that you need to anticipate multiple anatomical questions that you need to know the answers to. I mean, know your needs and be able to shut down questions if you are uncomfortable.
The simpler the better, especially if you aren’t comfortable sharing all of the details yet. Try a phrase like, “I had a miscarriage and I’m not quite ready to talk about all of the details yet, thank you for being a friend and respecting my privacy.”
If you are ready to talk about it, be ready to answer any questions. Also be ready to shut down any questions in case you become uncomfortable. Let the person you are speaking to know that you would like to lead the narrative and be in charge of the conversation if it gets uncomfortable for you. Talking can be therapeutic when talking to someone you are able to give all of the details to without judgement.
Final Thoughts
Whether you’re sharing your story with someone close like your partner or someone professional like your boss, these tips will help you to feel comfortable. In this situation it’s important to feel in charge of the narrative. Don’t let others push you into answering more questions or feeling uneasy. Set clear boundaries and be direct with your needs.
If you’ve found this post, I hope it has helped. If you need a shoulder to lean on, I am always here to talk, just reach out to me. What helped you talk to others during this time? Did you like answering all of the questions or were you more reserved with your story?
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